Random advice and musings from nobody you know.

Don't breed unless you mean it.
Unless it involves your hair, mom probably does know best.
Spend the money. Get the good shoes.
Never tell anyone their ass looks fat.
The only way to guarantee you won't say something stupid is to keep your mouth shut.
Pity your spouse. They married you didn't they?
Perform one utterly random act per day.
Entropy is not a force of destruction but of change.
People make really bad pets.
It's harder to free a bank pen from its leash than you might think.
Male pattern baldness is due, in large part, to excessive testosterone levels: You're more man than even you can handle.
Never argue with a naked person.
After all those years of being told to clean my plate, now I'm supposed to feel guilty about it?
I wasn't ashamed of loving Godzilla when I was seven. I'm not gonna start now.
Success means only eating Ramen noodles because you want to.
I am endlessly thankful I did not marry my first kiss.
Never miss the opportunity to take a nap.
If you're going to put someone on a pedestal make sure it's near running water.
Try the special.
I ain't dead yet.