Things that I want the world's population to stop doing to me:
Someone is saying hello and is concerned for my welfare.
Saying hello to someone is nice.
Asking someone "how are you doing" is nice.
These things foster feelings of goodwill and takes us one step closer to global peace and understanding. I applaud this and encourage more of it.
But no...it's not that. It's heyhowyadoin.
Heyhowyadoin makes me want to bite people.
It's always said in passing. And I always answer.
This takes the tosser off guard. They stumble in their attempt to escape.
You see they always throw out the heyhowyadoin as they are rushing by.
This, for them, means "Hi".
They can't just say "Hi".
Oh no. Instead they have to trigger my natural instincts to respond by throwing out what is traditionally a question.
And then I'm left feeling like a doorknob because I'm responding to a retreating back.
2. But I'm feeling much better now
This would be the flip side of heyhowyadoin.
We meet up accidently somewhere.
I say "Hello! How are you?" because I wish to greet you and am concerned for your general welfare.
I am nice.
I say these things to foster feelings of goodwill and take us one step closer to global peace and understanding.
I am then assualted with a diatribe on your raging case of scurvey. Followed by the results of your mother's pap smear. Followed by an update on your dream to race the oceans of the world in a boat made of popsicle sticks and Wrigley's spearmint gum.
Look, not to say that I don't care and can't empathize, but we're standing in the frozen food section of Super Walmart!
My fish sticks are melting! My kid is gonna start grazing on the ice cream!My life is flashing before my eyes as hypothermia begins to set in!
It's not that I want you to lie.
Just stick to good/bad/bleeding for the time being.
I promise I'll give you my full attention later.
But I gotta go.
And to do that I'll make a complete tool of myself.
3. Friendly neighbor
I sit down to go pee in a public bathroom. Someone slips into the stall next to mine.
"Um...hello," I respond.
"Are you ready to party?"
"I guess...but I should probably wash my hands first?"
"Jim said he'll pick up the supplies," chirps the voice on the other side of the partition.
"Look, I'll call ya back later. Got another call coming in."
I then realize that my instincts to respond have failed me once again.
I curse the prodgeny of whoever it was that invented the cell phone, quietly pull myself together, and pray they don't step out of the stall as I flush and make a VERY speed getaway.
(I would like to point out that this is a multi-victim crime. Me and whoever it is that has to talk to this nasty little idiot as she's using the toilet...eww)
In closing...please stop it.
All of it.
If you don't stop triggering my loser reflex I'm gonna have to stop paying attention to you. There I'll be.. ...reduced to wearing a paperbag over my head....skulking around in full ninja garb....walking around with my fingers stuck in my ears screaming "LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!"
Until, eventually, I'm struck by a bus that I didn't see coming... because I did see you coming.
Save a life.