How to sleep undisturbed internationally

Ostrich pillows are great.  But you look like a real putz.  So I turned into something I felt more confident wearing in public.  Felt sexy and slept wonderfully.

Keep the resolutions do-able

Priscilla started it...

Holidays got you down?  Don't cheer up, revel in it.

My lovely friend Priscilla started this lovely rendition of Deck the Halls on Facebook.  I felt compelled to complete it.

  

Tis the season for depression, Fa la la la la la la la!
Hiding in bed.  No medication, Fa la la la la la la la!

Woe is me.  Nobody loves me, Fa la la la la la la la!
Ate too much and now I’m pudgy, Fa la la la la la la la!
Seems my get up and go has gone, Fa la la la la la la la!
I’ll just nap here while life goes on, Fa la la la la la la la!
Follow me in warm depression, Fa la la la la la la la!
My To-Do list, don’t dare mention, Fa la la la la la la la!
Fast away the old year passes, Fa la la la la la la la!
These past months can kiss our asses, Fa la la la la la la la!

Groan and mumble all together! Fa la la la la la la la!
Doubt next year will be much better, Fa la la la la la la la!

Sunrise, Sunset, Impending Doom

Shea's birthday was yesterday.  12.  I have kept a human alive for 12 years.  I was thinking a little harder on this at 5:00 AM. (SLEEP??)  It dawned on me that we will likely face his puberty and my Peri-menopause at the same time.

God have mercy on my husband's soul.

Sigh.

Mind like a sink hole

I am forever making notes of things that catch my eye in these little notebooks that I have.  Currently, I have three notebooks floating around in the big old bag I carry (IT'S NOT A PURSE!!).  These notebooks slowly fill with doodles, random facts and thoughts, and the myriad bits and pieces that cross my mental path as I wander about the planet.  There is no rhyme or reason to what is in where.  I just stumble across something and jot it down. 

I couple of weeks ago I was thumbing through some old tattered pages and stumbled across this:

No idea what the hell that was.  Posted it on Facebook and someone pointed out that it might be for a brand of bladder control underwear.  WHAT?  Again, no idea.

So today I was going through the books again and found two loose sheets of notes.  They appear to be ideas on things to write.  I am now kicking myself.  I cannot, for my life, remember what went with the titles. 

• Stabby the Fish Still Likes You
• The End of the Rainbow is Over That Cliff
• I'd Visit But It's Too Damn Far
• Band Aids and Bullet Holes
• Girls With Squirrely Hands
• Bumper to Bumper - Aging Out of Warranty
• I Want to Lick Your Quirks and Foibles
• Red Light, Green Light, Poo
• The Acronym That Ate me

 Sigh.

Does my finger smell?

Just read an article titled “The 5 Worst Places to Stick Your Fingers” and Paris Hilton wasn’t mentioned once!   

Your submission for worst place to stick you finger?

 

It's what on the inside that really matt....Oh wait.  Nevermind.

Today is Sea Monkey Day!

Aren't you happy?  For $1.25 plus postage and handling (back in the day) you could have this:

This is FANTASTIC!! 

How could anything be better than this?  So you begged and borrowed and suffered the jaded opinions of your parents until you had enough money to get these cute (but slightly) creepy little buggers in your house.  With unbearable anticipation you awaited their arrival.

And then they came.  

Well, the kit to start your menagerie came.

After your initial disappointment you re-filled your heart with hope and dumped the powdered peoples into their tiny plastic pool and waited.  

And waited.

And waited.

And, eventually you were rewarded with this:

NOT SO FANTASTIC!

Of course, I'm only guessing.  My Sea Monkeys looked like this:

It had a FANTASTIC smell!!!

Does anybody mind if I take time on Sea Monkey day to be bitter?

It's not a pinch!

It's a teeny tiny, localized, concentrated hug.

Shea is not convinced.

9 Years

Apparently I started this blog 9 years ago.

 

This surprises me greatly.

 

In honor of this impending moment I shall steal and post the work of someone else. 

 

Perhaps I should do something more about that whole anniversary thing.

It's all downhill from here cause this thing won't let me make an entry. Dammit.

It would appear...

...that I can't tell if I'm coming or going.

Uh...I didn't know you were still here

Well, I'll be hornswaggled. I really didn't think this blog was still around. And I am doubly impressed that I was able to access it. I only tried because a fellow cast member gave me a public nudge.
So....
What to say? I suppose an update on my current status would be appropriate.
I won the lottery and have been living the life for the past few years. Yup. That's me. Big life. Big cars. No more worries.
Or do you prefer..
Unemployed again. Divorced. Little life. Little car. But the spawn continues to get bigger.


Chose whichever floats your boat. I'll take a little from column A and B if you don't mind.

Dear Sera,

And so I spent the weekend in Bisbee, AZ. And I spent a lot of time thinking of you.And I spent a lot of time realizing how much I miss you.

You see, Bisbee is at its heart, a small communal town. It is filled with new and aged hippies, motorcycle gangs, and a small population of wealthy summer homes.
You can go down the road a few miles and slip a toe into Mexico.You can walk up to a party on the street and be offered free beer, or wine, or pot.You can walk into a grungy little store front and find Roger and his Hippie's Bizarre Bazar. The few shelves are covered in cheap geegaws from Peru and three hour incense. According to the picture on the wall, Roger's not only the owner, but the employee of the month...easy enough when you're the only employee, I guess.

But what I can do is look down into mineral stained maw of the abandoned strip mines and see the colors of thrown pots.I can look at the old shattered walls with graffiti covered attempts at wisdom and remember doodles in a notepad.I can catch a scent coming through the trees behind the tiny grocers and think of incense and laughter as I swirled a golden pattern across her face with all the wrong make-up...but she still managed to be breathetaking despite my crude artistry.

I imagined you living in one of the small cottages that cling to the side of the mountain like barnacles. I imagined you calling me some quiet day and looking out your window about 2 hours later to see me clambering up a thousand steps to knock on your door.We'd sit and laugh and drink local wine while we caught up with all we had done, and all we had managed to never complete.We'd reassure each other that we were a long way from any sort of end. That there was still time to decide what we'd be when we grew up.We'd wander out the door to slip and stumble up the mountain, through the backyards of unsuspecting neighbors (who'd not mind our intrusion anyway) to walk just a little further than we should. We'd pick at random plants and wonder at thier names or possible uses, only to slowly shred them as we continued our trek to no place in particular.Tired and glad the return trip was downhill, we'd make our way to some small shop to collect a random sampling of herb scented munchies and another bottle of wine...or two.

I wanted to spend the day with you. To talk without feeling self-conscious. I wanted to ride the currents of a silent lightening strike of creativity. To laugh at things that normally seem silly...maybe even stupid. I wanted someone to share secrets with. To speak of girlish crushes with the a voice that swung between simple sighs, frustrated groans, and the silly squeals of toe curling libidinous thoughts.I missed the excitement of grabbing onto the next big idea and playing it out until it broke or bored us. To throw it all on the table like a cheap deck of cards and play at divining a future.

Have you ever had an ache that ran so deep it left you wanting to weep and run wild and shout with joy all at the same time?

That's how much I missed you, Sera.

...Yeesh. You've made me all mushy now.

How I Spent My Weekend

Not the clearest picture...but proof that I didn't spend my weekend helping orphans.

She dared me...and offered sugar!

For these blazing pieces of creative brilliance, and for posting them, Priscilla bought me a chocolate milkshake.
Yup. I'm a cheap whore.

Haiku version:
The moontide flows now.
Wings flutter between my thighs.
Absorbancy rules!

Dr. Seuss version:
I will not use a tampon now.
I will not use a pad, no how!

You cannot make me.
You can't complain.
From feeling fresh, I shall refrain!

I am a full grown woman see.
I shave my legs. I sit to pee.

So if, to me, you take offence
You go to hell!
I'm hormonal dammit, and way too tense!



I will start posting again. I promise.
Life is a little on the weird side right now and I'm getting my perspective adjusted.

Goodby Mark

Max Ehrmann

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantmentit is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

Truth in advertising

And then she started drinking Jaeger....

Yup. Just a tiny bit toasty. But it's been an ugly couple of weeks. This entry is likely to be pure stream of conciousness - typos and all. So if you stop by here for a polished version of my wit, you'll likely be disappointed.
Heck, this thing'll likely be deleted shortly after its posted.
So yeah...
First stressor - Lost my job this week. I can no longer mooch of off the corporate monster that is AOL. Mind you, I hated the job. But as such things go it was easy, paid well, and they had hours I could live with. And add to that the fact that I am now UNEMPLOYED!!! This is not a condition I can easily enjoy. Not because I have some sort of A type personality (although if it's something I enjoy I have my moments), but because I fear poverty.
Following that is my first job interview - Yup. I must play that game once again. Keep in mind that I am a TERRIBLE interview. The job was actually perfect for me. An copywriter/production assistant. I can wrote rings around just about anyone I know. The more restrictions you put on the product the better I am. From an assistant stand point I know all this stuff. I am aware of all aspects of the production process...Love it in fact. I keep a cool head and manage to keep others cool around me. This sounds like a job that I'd not only enjoy, but desire. It would be a thrill to look forward to going to work.
Soooo....I manage to get myself LOST on the way to the interview. Yup. Call the guy for directions - he thinks I'm panicking. In fact I'm holding myself together pretty well considering that he's giving me directions that apply to someone comeing from the EXACT opposite direction I'm coming from. I do my TERRIBLE interview and go home to consider the Japanese concept of honor in suicide...
But wait! I can't consider how miserably it went, I have to have a knock out, drag down fight with Alvin!!!
Yeah. We don't go there often. I hate drama. I hate bitching about it to others,...but for us this was one for the record books. And, as always, Alvin's timing is perfect for such things. I had made a mistake. I will openly admit it. I undercut him in dealing with the spawn..but he went to far. Or more appropriately he refused to go anywhere. A common problem for us - I want to clear the air, he hides. This leads to most of our explosions. Last one I broke a kitchen window. This one I cornered him, smacked his shoulders a few times (if you've ever seen alvin you know how ridiculous that is - like smacking a brick wall) and refused to let him leave until he coughed up some sort of response to my anger.
Yeah.
Fun time.
Add to that, the mother-in-law had her spinal surgery. This surgery involved fusing the bottom vertabrea of her spine. Poor woman is pretty much crippled. Under normal circumstances playing babysitter to her wouldn't be an issue but I've been so stressed lately, it's been so long since I've had anything that even resembled a day off, that it only adds to my stress to show up at her house at 6 am. I'm torn between a screaming desire to curl up in a little ball and sleep for 6 days and a genuine wish to repay, just a little, all of the good this woman has done in my life.

And so there you have it. Those are the highlights. Throw in a generous helping of holiday stress and you run of the mill daily mini crapfests and you have my current state of mind.
Alvin talked to some of his buddies the next day and shows up bearing roses. Alvin has never brought me flowers. Never. NEVER. So that gives you an idea how nasty that one was.
The weekend is here so I'm faking like I'm taking a day off.
And my birthday is tomorrow. I'm getting older and it doesn't feel like it's getting any better.

And there ya go. My bitch fest.
Was it good for you?

On the Menu

So the husband has been working bitch hours lately. He's a night person and they've had him rolling in at 4 am...6 am...4 am....

This morning, at 6 am, the alarm goes off and I hear a groan from the lump beside me.

"Time to wake up," says me.

"Sner...merg...warfle."

"Come on. Maybe it'll be a good day." (It's hard to be optimistic at 6am)

Groan, "Not a chance."

"Well, if it gets too bad you can always put a booger in the food."

At this point I expected an 'Ew' or a denial of some sort. Instead I get, "Yeah."

And he rolls out of bed to get dressed.


Yeah.
I think I'll be eating in for a while.
And doing all the cooking.

Larf!

Blame Priscilla

Body: 1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (middle name and current street name)

Maren Water

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother on your dad's side, your favorite candybar)

Theo Mounds

3. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME: (first initial of first name, first two or three letters of your last name)

J-Spe

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)

Yellow Platypus

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)

Maren Eglin

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your last name, last 3 letters of mother's maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet's name)

Speney Fat

7. JEDI NAME: (middle name spelled backwards, your mom's maiden name spelled backward)


Neram Yentruoc

8. EXOTIC DANCER NAME: (first pet, street you grew up on)

Bubbles Oakdale

9. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The", your favorite color, the car your mom/dad are driving)

The Yellow Saturn

10. Foreign exchange student name. (your favorite spice, last foriegn place you went.)

Salt Canada